It's beginning, and I am not ready...
A baby that gets upset in more of a tantrum way than a true needy way... A baby that turns away from me if I've upset him, instead of letting me be his sole and necessary comfort. A baby that scoots the other way as fast as he can. A baby that isn't much of a baby anymore.
I'm still five days away from his first birthday, and I am already grieving the loss of my baby and the qualities of baby-ness he has lost, is losing, and will continue to lose.
I'm particularly knocked down by his stubborn turning away from me today when he got upset over a diaper change and I made him stay there to finish it. As soon as I set him free, he scooted, sobbing, as far from me as he could. My offers of his blankie... a story.... my arms.... all got acknowledged...then refused. He turned his BACK on me. And I cried, too.
It isn't my fault, baby....Diapers are a fact of life. I'm sorry I subverted your will. I'm sorry I am not better at recognizing your new need to assert your will. But why are you trying to get so far away from me?
I'm not ready for this.
*
{photo from an attempted one-year birthday shoot yesterday}
A baby that gets upset in more of a tantrum way than a true needy way... A baby that turns away from me if I've upset him, instead of letting me be his sole and necessary comfort. A baby that scoots the other way as fast as he can. A baby that isn't much of a baby anymore.
I'm still five days away from his first birthday, and I am already grieving the loss of my baby and the qualities of baby-ness he has lost, is losing, and will continue to lose.
I'm particularly knocked down by his stubborn turning away from me today when he got upset over a diaper change and I made him stay there to finish it. As soon as I set him free, he scooted, sobbing, as far from me as he could. My offers of his blankie... a story.... my arms.... all got acknowledged...then refused. He turned his BACK on me. And I cried, too.
It isn't my fault, baby....Diapers are a fact of life. I'm sorry I subverted your will. I'm sorry I am not better at recognizing your new need to assert your will. But why are you trying to get so far away from me?
I'm not ready for this.
*
{photo from an attempted one-year birthday shoot yesterday}
7 comments:
Oh Em.... I am feeling the EXACT same way. My Noah doesn't want me to comfort him like I used to, there are times he refuses to nurse (another stab of pain in the chest, for some reason it really hurts my feelings) and he often gets upset and goes to his Dad now. :( Good for dad, bad for mom.
I LOVE, LOVE the birthday outfit, I can't wait to see more pictures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh emily--my heart aches for you. I know exactly how your are feeling. Anna, for a couple of weeks, has been turning from me, reaching for someone else (ANYONE else) when I am holding her, not caring if I stay or go.
Selfishly, I felt a sense of relief reading your post...at least it isn't something I did...it isn't only Anna...it is "normal".
He will come back around. He still needs you. You are still Mama. Nobody can take your place.
Hugs...and just wait til the teenage years :)
It really does hurt, doesn't it?? As frustrating as their assertion of independence, the cold shoulder just hurts in a deeper more silent way. Sounds like a common theme amongst our almost one year olds!! I am right here with you lady!! We can cry in each other's arms!
wanna come over for the cake shot???
That photo made me laugh ruefully, like "Awwww..." but your story made me misty.
I'm glad you tell of the sad times, though, as well as the wonderful and hilarious experiences.
Love yew. :)
Oh Emily I really feel for you. We have been battling this for a while now. It's frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time. Finley has never been overly snuggly but it rips my heart when I try to hug her and all she does is push me away. I have a feeling this time will pass all to quickly and we will look back and wish they were this age again.
I do have to say though how adorably cute Noah looks in his birthday outfit with that great hat.
well, multiply this experience by 7 and you know me. Multiply it by billions and you know Heavenly Father. Isn't parenthood amazing?
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